Below is a letter that I wrote to some of Gram's long-time work friends on November 21, 2010.
I hope this finds you well. I wanted to take a few minutes to write to you about Betty Berberich – my grandmother; or Mum, as everyone always called her. You were an important part of her life for so many years and I wanted to give an update on what’s been happening with her, since you’ve last had contact.
About 5 or 6 years ago, we began to notice that some things were changing for Mum. Her memory began to fail her and there were occasions where she found herself not remembering being somewhere where she had been many times before. Initially, we didn’t think much of it; we thought it was a natural part of the aging process. After all, she was close to 90 years old.
As time went by, she began to forget more things. She also began accusing neighbors and family members of things – often things that didn’t even make sense. She became paranoid and angry and her thinking became more and more irrational. She refused any testing by her doctor at first. In time, however, she agreed to some brain scans and they revealed significant shrinkage in her brain – Alzheimer’s.
Her living alone became problematic when she began to do dangerous things like lock herself out of the house, catch coffee pots on fire, and cook the same meals over and over. Although I was going there every night to check on her and make sure she ate and got her meds, it was not enough. The day that she got herself into the bathtub and couldn’t get out for over 10 hours was the day that I decided that she needed 24 hour supervision. I hired some aides to come and look after her when I or Judy (her daughter-in-law) couldn’t be there. A little over a year ago, I bought a house in Shaler and moved her in with me. This brought us closer to Judy who could come during the day and help out. My mother often took her on weekends. With Judy and Mom and the aids we were able to keep her safe and secure for about 7 months. She continued to get worse though – she became incontinent and she became too much for the aides to handle in the shower and bathroom. She also began to get very nasty and sometimes despondent. Although I had spend a lot of time over the course of a year or so looking at assisted living facilities that might be an option, I just wasn’t ready to place her.
In March of 2010 after finally realizing that I was not longer the person who could give her what she needed and best care for her, I made the most difficult decision of my life: I placed her in a facility. It was a very scary and difficult time for all of us. I never for one second wanted Mum to feel like she was being abandoned or that no one cared. We planned things out in such a way as to move some of her personal things into the facility first. I hung several “familiar” pictures on her wall and tried to make her room as similar to her “home” as I could.
I thank God every day that the move went as well as it did. She never once seemed to even notice she was in a different place and now, 8 months later, she has yet to ever express to me anything about being there. The facility is close to me so I visit almost every day and the family also visits quite often. Sometimes we take her out for dinner or bring her home for a visit. She is thriving in the environment. She’s become quite the little leader – always trying to round up other residents to plan an “escape”. The staff loves her and they engage her constantly – whether it be with setting the tables or cleaning up after meals or helping with the snack cart. She still loves to raise hell and she endearingly does so with the staff quite often. They laugh and she laughs. I never would have thought that she, of all people, would thrive in this environment.
Mum’s memory and cognitive ability continue to decline. She still recognizes most family members, but sometimes gets confused as to how they are related to her. She often talks about people that are deceased as if they are living. We’ve learned not to argue with her as it causes her distress. We simply go along and change the subject if we need to.
Her physical health is good. She gets around very well. She has some issues with clots in her legs and they swell and sometimes she get sores on them, but the doctor and nurses are able to treat that effectively. The physical therapist says he’s never seen her do so well.
Anyway, my intent in writing this letter was to simply let you know how Betty is doing; in case you’ve wondered over the last few years or if you may have tried to contact her and were unable to do so. Through the years, she always talked very fondly of you.
Sincerely,
Michael Burroway
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